Tuesday, March 6, 2018

In Which Macky Reads The Alcatraz vs. the Evil Librarians Series

This is an emergency transmission from Alexa Loves Books to anyone listening in the Free Kingdoms and in the Hushlands. I don’t know how much time we have until the librarians take this post down, but if we’re lucky, they’ll think I’m just another crazy Brandon Sanderson fan (like, who is he actually, right?) who got a little too carried away binge reading the Alcatraz vs the Evil Librarians series. 

I should be so lucky*. 

In the last few months, I have been poring** over these books written by Alcatraz so “cleverly”*** disguised as middle grade fiction, and sinking into a pit of despair. Mostly because I’m totally still overweight and today, I found out my cholesterol is way over normal so that can’t be good. 

It’s just as bad as the truth that we have: all of us been lied to. The world is run by Evil Librarians who are hell bent on controlling all the knowledge we know and so wherever they are out there, the Free Kingdoms are doing the best they can to free the world from their evil grip. 

Alcatraz writes down his “journey” as a “young man” who at some point discovers his connection both to the larger world that the librarians and Free Kingdoms actually “live in”****. 
… But also rutabaga. 

Anyway, the point is, this is a world where lands we didn’t know existed actually do. Where glass isn’t really just glass and some of them can be shaped into lenses that do extraordinary things like control the elements, shape our world and give us the power to make or break the lives we live!!! Also, the glass literally gets shaped into glasses that when worn by people called Occulators become formidable weapons. 

This is all so huge and mind-blowing that I need to sit down. Wait. I’m sitting already. Well, you should sit down. And, like, buy all these books because they will change your life. Or at least give your psyche a facelift you can be proud of. 

There’s knights, and secret sects*****, conspiracies and, at the heart of it all, this family of insane, foolhardy, powerful, loyal and, dare I say daring (yes, I dared to say daring) individuals who are literally, and almost sadly, our only hope for survival and freedom******.

The experience of reading Alcatraz’s account of the world as he has come to know it is so rich and compelling it has changed everything for me. If books had fourth walls, Alcatraz would be the kind of theatre show that would have their actors sit in the audience and demand they make sandwiches*******. 

Because you know… rutabaga.

I will forever be grateful for receiving my review copy of The Dark Talent, which is book five, which 'forced' me to read the first four books in preparation. This is going on my top shelf of favorite “books” because even if they weren’t “real” they weave a pretty intense tale about a young man who has to grow up a little too fast (like the rest of us in the Hushlands who don’t have it easy) set in a world so well defined and thought out by Brandon Sanderson********.

So yeah. Great "books”. Send help*********. Please. Don’t know how much longer we can hold out but we’ll try. After all, not only are we still trapped in the Hushlands surrounded by librarian control, Alexa and I (me especially, and mostly inspired by these Alcatraz books) still want to be… Gack! authors. Send help!!!!!**********

* Yeah, I totally made you come down here to introduce to you the power of suggestion. Like the asterisk says hey, there’s something down here worth reading. And here it is: the power of suggestion exists. I suggested that there’s something here to read and here you are. Now, back up to the post young Hushlander. 

** And it was raining while I was poring too.

*** I like air quotes. I’m doing them right now .

**** Like really, really love air quotes. I think I’m going to spend the next twenty mins just flexing… Hope that doesn’t derail my train of thought as I try my best to explain to everyone how important these books are and how rich the “actual” (whoops, there I go again) world is, according to Alcatraz. 

***** Get your head out of the gutter.

****** Like the Braveheart kind where Mel Gibson rides a horse and tells everyone that they may take their lives but they CAN NEVER TAKE OUR FREEEDOOOOOOOM!!!!! (Did you yell that?Because I did. And Alexa just asked if I was referring to that in the anime sense and her freedom is totally gone in that regard. A POX ON YOU EVIL LIBRARIANS!!)

******* Sadly, my high cholesterol means I have to eat a salad. I hope the depression of that singular reality doesn’t throw me off from recommending this book to anyone who wants to be both inspired to overcome your limits and take a chance on being who you were meant to be the way Alcatraz tried… and to marvel at the “author’s” (really love these quotes) attempt at humorous irreverent narrative writing tone. Sigh. Here’s to hoping I stay on point for this “book review” (Heehee, air quotes are LYF.)

******** Yeah, nice try Alcatraz. I’ll be sure to thank “Brandon” if ever I see him at any “Book Signings”. Seriously though. Send help. Or sandwiches. Do the free kingdoms have low cholesterol burgers that taste like high cholesterol burgers? Asking for a friend.

********* Sandwiches!!!!

********** I’m transmitting from an iPad and am deathly lazy in using “footnotes” so I’m using these asterisks instead. That last one was ten. Because ten times now I have suggested that you come down here to the bottom of the post to read something that you may assume in good faith is worth reading. But how much can you trust authors (especially aspiring authors in this case)? There’s a book out there somewhere that could tell you. But I’m just here once again to prove the power of suggestion for no reason at all. I mean you’re here right? Also, buy all five books they are awesome. Shout out to Lili Feinberg for getting me into this mess. Also, if you get to the end of book five, and absolutely feel bereft of hope… CALL SOMEONE who’s read it. That is all. And rutabaga.

by Brandon Sanderson | Series: Alcatraz #1-5
Publisher: Starscape | Publication Dates: February 16, 2016 (#1-2) / April 19, 2016 / July 19, 2016 / September 6, 2016
Source: #1-4 borrowed from the library | #5 from the publisher (Thanks!)

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